Heart Of Ice
by All I Ask Of You
Summary: Nothing good could come of loving me. Love story between Kurama and Hieishows the tender side of both as they are in constant turmoil over their feelings.
1. Heart Of Ice

Chapter one-Heart of Ice

Perched on the tree limb outside of Kurama's window, I stared down the street. The fox always came from the same direction, and I was willing to wait patiently, watching. I leaned back against the trunk of the tree and let my mind float to soft petals and seductive thorns. A dreamy smile crossed my lips. I could see Kurama perfectly in my mind; the long, flowing locks, the large, sympathetic green eyes, the soft, sensual lips. I sighed quietly. If only the Spirit Fox could know what I was feeling... I sat up in the tree. I couldn't let my guard down. The love I had for the warrior was not to be shared. That would just make me vulnerable, and I was not vulnerable. Not to anything, but especially not these ridiculous ningen emotions. What was love anyway? Nothing I wanted from life, that was for sure. In the Makai, I cared for no one but myself. But here, among the humans...among Kurama, I was enveloped by my indulgent heart. The love I felt for him was too overwhelming.

My thoughts were brought to a halt by the sight of Kurama illuminated by a streetlamp just 30 feet from my tree. I watched the fox's progression up the street, which was slow indeed. He paused to smell a rose, though the roses here were nothing compared to those in the Makai. Before he could reach his mother's yard, two girls, his classmates, I assumed, approached him. They conversed for several minutes, until I began to grow impatient. Just as I was going to jump from the tree and leave, the three parted and Kurama made his way up the driveway to the front porch. I smiled and resumed my laid back position against the tree trunk, balancing perfectly on the limb and waiting for Kurama to come to his room. My visits to this house had become less and less frequent the more my love for my partner grew. It seemed that, as of late, my knees went weak whenever I was around the Spirit Fox.

Just as I began to sink into memories of his smile, I glanced up to see Kurama enter the room. He looked drawn, tired. I frowned. Gone was the lighthearted sparkle from my love's eye. I saw the redhead's shoulders heave, and saw his chin drop. His crimson locks fell around his face like a veil, and I stared at the distraught body, my own frame racked with love. Then, suddenly, Kurama looked up and stared straight at me. A single tear dropped down his cheek.

* * *

I threw my school bag down on my bed. It had been two weeks since I'd seen my beloved. Hiei was so cold. How could a fire demon have a frozen heart? How could he not feel the things I felt? How could he not see the things I saw? I sighed and bowed my head. had Hiei had ceased to consider my home a shelter for him, would he no longer come to me? If I couldn't at least be near him, feel his eyes on at me, my reason for living would be over. I had no excuse to see him. If he chose not to visit me, I was to say goodbye to my love, the only man I lived for. Yet I could never tell him. I glanced up at my window, hoping to see Hiei's small frame perched there on the limb. For a moment, I thought it was there; but it could not be. A tear trickled from my eye, because I knew I would not again see his body grace my window frame. Yet, when the form did not disappear, I rushed to the window and flung it open, my heart flooding with undescribable emotion.

"Hiei!" I exclaimed. "Hello! I haven't seen you in so long." I stepped back as he hopped through the window. I stared him up and down. Was he harmed? "Are you alright? Do you need help with something?" I asked, a concerned frown on my face. He scowled.

"You think I can't take care of myself, fox?" he snapped. I smiled. Yes, that was the man I loved so desperately. I should inform him of my loyalty. Maybe, one day, I could inform him of my love as well.

"Of course I know you can, Hiei, but I've healed you in the past, and you know that any time you need me I'll be here." Hiei stared at me for a moment. Perhaps in disbelief, perhaps in indifference. He then stepped around me and went to sit cross-legged on my bed. I took the chair to my desk. As much as I yearned to be near him, be beside him, I knew he would just leave if I got too close. I could not risk him going away for so long again. It tore me apart.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, knowing that I must be irritating him with my constant questions. He licked his lips and I knew he was hungry for ice cream.

"Sweet snow?" he asked. I smiled.

"Of course. I'll be right back." I got up from my chair, and left the room. I could feel Hiei's eyes boring into my back. I glanced over my shoulder at him but he had turned away.

* * *

I gulped down the lump in my throat. I had tried my hardest not to attach my eyes to Kurama's hips, yet the way they swayed was like a hypnotic pendulum. I stood from the bed and paced in a small circle. How had I allowed this to happen? What was going on with me! I discontinued my pacing and strode to the window. My face was caressed lovingly by the cool breeze that drifted in through the open window. I stared up at the stars, my bangs blowing back and tickling the sides of my face. I felt a hand that was not my own brush the tendrils away. I had not heard him approach. I tensed, and whirled to him. He held out my bowl of sweet snow and smiled.

"Beautiful night, eh?" he said, raising his eyes to the sky. I stared at the contours of his profile, and I felt my heart bursting to tell him the truth; to admit that I'd loved him for so long; to confess that my knees went weak at the sound of his voice. Before I could realize what I was doing, I set the bowl on the windowsill and took him in my arms. I lifted my lips to his and kissed him tenderly. I felt his strong hands cup my shoulders and pull me closer. I stilled, my insides warring against me. I wanted so to stay but my head was begging me to pull away and flee. I ripped away from him, breathing heavily.

"Hiei." he said softly, his eyes glinting with the knowledge of my love. Inside, I was screaming. My lips still longed, begged, for his. I scowled.

"Don't say a word," I snapped. "Stupid fox, you've been staring at me all night. So there, I indulged you. Will you quit with those eyes now?" He stared at me, his eyes cynical. I let out a low growl and whirled to the window. I put a foot on the sill and began to hoist myself up. His hand gripped my elbow and pulled me back. I yanked away from him.

"Don't touch me, fox!" I shouted, and leapt desperately from the window.

* * *

I stared at the gaping window through which he'd disappeared. I knew better than to chase after him; he'd be long gone by now. He knew of my feelings for him. He had allowed me one kiss, and could not know that I would never be satisfied with just one. I let out a low sob that sounded like a laugh from a man who had lost all hope and was resigned to being alone. He would never be mine. He scorned my love.

* * *

I stood on the branch below Kurama's window, and heard something that sounded very much like a chuckle. He was laughing at me! It wasn't enough that he'd mocked my love for him, the desperation that had racked my soul and driven me to kiss him. Oh, but I would dream of his lips. They had moved against mine so sweetly. The man I considered my best friend had just been in to score. To break me, make me think he felt things for me that he didn't so that my guard would be down. Never again. He would never again make me vulnerable to him. I would just disappear.stay away from him so that he could not betray me further. Yet how could I stay away from the man I loved?

That's all I've got for now! It's my first fanfic, so go easy on me, but please do R&R (read and respond). Thanks so much and I'm expecting to have a second one out by the end of this week. Thanks! Tay . \/ 


	2. Heart of a Rose

Heart of a Rose-Chapter 2 

I sat on the foot of my bed, staring at the floor. I couldn't move, I was paralyzed by my love for Hiei. I began sobbing. I pulled my knees to my chest and pressed my forehead against them, closing my eyes. I trembled and bit my lip, tears streaming uninhibited down my face. I cried until I collapsed, exhausted, onto my bed, still fully clothed in my school uniform. My dreams were, of course, of Hiei.

I saw him in my mind as he was on the day I knew I loved him. The spiky- haired fire demon had just conquered another demon in battle. The demon lay at his feet, his wasted body broken. I was used to the violence, and the loss of life. I felt no remorse for the demon, only pride for mine. Across his face was a look of pure triumph. And he was smiling. I had rarely seen Hiei smile, but when he did, I was so captivated by how boyishly excited he looked. His eyes were wide and sparkling and his mouth was upturned. I then had known. I was in love and I could not deny it. Hiei let out a whoop and did a couple of flips. I'd never seen him so exuberant. I stood, watching him with a grin on my face. He began to flip to me but he lost his footing. I reached out and grabbed him, pulling him to me to steady him. His small frame pressed against mine took my breath away. I stared down at him and him up at me. Then he pulled away, straightening himself.

"I could have caught myself, fox."

* * *

I ran down streets I did not recognize. Finally I ended up in the park where Kurama and I used to practice fighting. I climbed up to a top branch and curled up, closing my eyes and visualizing Kurama in my mind. I needed him. I drifted in and out of sleep, focusing all of my concentration on those eyes, his smile. As the night wore on, I would lose myself in dreams of him, and awake with a smile. I forgot that he'd laughed at me, I forgot my fear and my pride. I thought only of Kurama. He was my best friend, if nothing else. I opened my eyes and frowned. The more I considered the possibility of his laughing at me, the less plausible it became. The sky was turning green with the promise of a rising sun. I jumped to the ground and, still frowning, began to head to Kurama's house. Inside, I was at war, which was becoming more and more frequent. I was so scared that, if I returned to him he would mock my helpless love for him. Then again, knowing Kurama it felt ridiculous to imagine that he could ever belittle me; he was always lifting me up.  
I found myself in his front yard. The windows reflected the sky and seemed empty and brittle. I walked across the yard to the tree I'd claimed as my own and stood staring up at the glass that kept him from me, the glass that I knew was unlocked and open always waiting for my return. 

I leapt up the tree to Kurama's window. Climbing inside, I landed on my feet and my eyes latched onto Kurama. His red hair was flowing around his face, and he slept silently. A beam of dawn shone in and kissed his skin. I walked to him and stood over him, staring at his beauty. He must have sensed me there, for he woke from a deep sleep and gaze met mine. I felt a lump form in my throat. He had been crying. He reached out to touch my cheek, as if unsure that it was truly I that stood before him. I closed my eyes and turned my face into his hand, kissing his palm.

"You came back." I trembled, fighting the urge to fall into his arms and beg him to never again let me leave.

"I can't seem to stay away," I whispered.

He stood, grabbing for a shirt. When he did so, his body was brushed against mine. He didn't notice, but I was breathless with longing.

"Kurama," I gasped, gripping his arm as he started to pass me. He turned his eyes to my pale face with risen eyebrows.

"Yes Hiei?" he asked, laying a hand on my shoulder. I could no longer restrain myself. I flung myself against him and buried my face in his chest. He seemed startled for a moment but then wrapped his arms around me.

"Hiei?" he questioned.

"Just hold me," I moaned quietly.

* * *

Just hold him? I wanted nothing more! My breaths shortened as he pressed even more closely against me. I made no move to kiss him, or further advance, for I was terrified that he would leave me again. Just then, I heard him whisper the words I'd longed to hear for so very long. 

"I love you, Kurama." My body tensed and I moved my hands from his waist to his face and cupped his cheeks in my palms. He looked at me, his eyes full of fearful excitement. I smiled. I pressed my lips to his, and he arched up to greedily devour my mouth. My fingers ran up and down his sides and then gripped him tightly as I felt his lips part. I pressed my tongue to meet his. He shuddered and pulled away.  
hr

I could only stare at Kurama. I had wanted that, more than anything. When I had told him I loved him, I'd meant it. But I couldn't stay and succumb to this passionate lust. I had to hear him return my words of love. He had made no move to speak to me words of love. I backed away nervously. I saw panic cloud his eyes.

"No! Hiei! Please don't leave me. Not now; how can you?" I stopped and scowled. I could not claim that it was only a kiss.we both knew that it meant more than that. But I couldn't appear weak.

"Goodnight fox," I muttered before disappearing through the window.


	3. Discovered Love

Chapter Three-Discovered Love 

(This chapter has been edited and reposted)

I'd had enough of Hiei running away from me, from our love. I leapt out of the window after him, yet I did not have his agility and landed on my back on the ground. I lay there, trying to catch my breath, staring up into the tree. Suddenly, the fire demon's head popped out from between the branches. He glared down at me with a scowl and then hopped from the tree, gracefully landing on his feet. He stepped over my body and strode to the street. He began to walk down the road, in the immediate center, keeping his balance perfectly on the double yellow line. I scrambled up and hurried after him.

"Hiei, don't walk away from me!" I ordered, which was a mistake I realized a bit too soon. He continued his walk, and responded with an icy, detatched voice that brought about a flinch from me.

"Don't assume you have the right to tell me what to do, fox." I growled and sprinted to him, grabbing his arms and roughly spinning him to face me.

"My name is Kurama." Hiei glared.

"I know what your name is, Kuuuuraaaamaaaa," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Now, release me."

"No." Hiei scowled and pulled against me, but to no avail. I was applying every amount of strength I had into keeping him there, and deep inside I knew he didn't want to escape. He muttered and threw his moon-kissed face up to try and stare me down. But when his eyes met mine, his features softened and his body relaxed. I knew what he saw on my face; love. Nothing but true, fierce, undeniable love. He collapsed against me.

"Kurama," he groaned.

* * *

I didn't care what he said or didn't say, Kurama loved me. I could see it; somehow, I just knew. And I loved him. He took me by the hand and led me back into his house, and up the stairs to his room. When we entered his bedroom, I had barely closed the door behind me when he gathered me into his arms for an earth-shattering kiss. He walked me backwards to his bed and gently pushed me down, breaking our embrace only momentarily. He fell on top of me and, again, planted his lips upon mine. He yanked the hem of my shirt from my pants and slid his hand under the cloth to stroke my stomach. His cold fingers were a shock against my heated skin. When I gasped against his mouth, he went to take his hand away from me. I moved my arms between us and pressed his palm back to me.

He pulled his lips from mine and my eyes fluttered open. He stared down at me, with a loving smile on his beautiful lips, raw from my kisses. Then he slowly tugged my shirt away and threw it over his shoulder. He began to kiss a river down the center of my chest and I tangled my fingers through his gorgeous red hair and closed my eyes, completely absorbed in my ecstasy.

* * *

The next morning, I awoke to the rays of golden sunlight as it poured through my open window. Birds chirped and the wind blew through the brittle autumn leaves. My eyelids parted leisurely and I began to relive the events of the night before in my mind. I smiled and turned to bid my love a good morning, to find that the pillow on which he'd slept was empty. I sighed a little, then rolled from the bed and hurriedly dressed. I rushed out of the house, combing my fingers through my hair as I went. There were few places Hiei could be, and I'd search them all until I found him. Then, maybe we'd go get some sweet snow...Err, ice cream...

My lips twitched with amusement. I'd head to the park first. Hiei spent a lot of his time while visiting the ningen world in the trees at the park. Plus, it was closest to my house. As I wandered along, my hands deep in my pockets, I stared up at the azure sky, dotted with beautiful puffy clouds. I grinned because, to me, every single one looked like Hiei. Hiei kneeling, Hiei jumping, Hiei readying for battle-

My thoughts were interrupted by a slightly choked feminine voice calling my ningen name. I turned and saw a beautiful teenage girl from my school walking towards me. I waited for her to catch up, and then fell into step beside her.

"Hello Mariana-san," I said with a friendly smile. She looked up at me and tried to grin, but all she could manage was a strange sort of twisted grimace. I could see tears welling up in her eyes. By this time we'd reached the park and I sat her down at the nearest park bench. I put my arm around her and leaned in close.

"Mariana," I said comfortingly. "Something troubles you. What is it?"

"Well, you're the nicest guy I know, and all of my other friends are so shallow and would never understand this pain. I hate to burden you with all of this since we're not exactly close, but when I saw you there on the sidewalk, I felt relief knowing that I could talk to you and you would listen." I nodded understandingly. I'd always like Mariana. She wasn't like the other girls at my high school. She was quiet, and she didn't giggle. When she laughed, she really laughed; none of that high-pitched squealing. She was in most of my classes, and she always smiled at me. We'd had several conversations and I'd even had kind of a crush on her before I realized my love for Hiei. I suddenly remembered why I was in the park in the first place, but Mariana needed to talk, so I could be considerate enough to give her a few minutes of my time to get whatever was bothering her off her chest.

"Mariana, I'll certainly help you if I can. Never hesitate to come to me." She smiled.

"You're so nice." She laid her head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "My parents are getting a divorce," she said quietly. "I thought everything was going great, but then, out of nowhere they announce that they just don't love each other anymore." Would that ever happen to me and Hiei? I wandered. No, it couldn't. Could it? How could two people as deeply in love as us ever just...stop? "I'm going to have to choose which one I want to live with, and I don't know how to make that decision. I don't want to hurt either of my parents." I rubbed her arm soothingly.

"I'm so sorry. It is a difficult decision, and honestly I'm not sure what to tell you." I was trying to wrap it up with her, even with my remorse for her situation. I had to find Hiei.

"Well, I guess I just needed a shoulder, not an answer. And I'm already beginning to feel better, knowing someone is there for me." She grinned up at me. It was the first smile I'd seen from her this morning and I returned it. She stared into my eyes. "Your eyes are such a beautiful color green," she purred. I smiled my thanks, and then, to my great surprise, she leaned up and pressed her mouth to mine. I heard a low whimper and pulled my lips from hers to see Hiei standing against a tree trunk, his eyes wide and his look wounded.

"Hiei!" I shouted. I turned to Mariana. "I have to go. I'm glad I could help you, and I hope it all works out." I said these words in a rush and then leapt up and chased after Hiei who was sprinting at top speed away from the park. I was sorry to leave Mariana in distress like that, but Hiei had assumed...How could he think we were together, when he knew the love I had for him? He was but a blur, much too fast for me to catch, but I ran until I thought my legs would collapse underneath me. Then I fell to my knees on the carpet of leaves that cushioned the forest floor and began to cry.

* * *

I ran blindly, my tears streaming down my face and flying behind me. How could he do this to me? I fell out of the thick forest and stumbled, dropping down onto a rock by the edge of a pond. I stared out over the glassy water, and it reflected the sun so beautifully. The green of the water and the gold of the sun mixed together made the surface look like Kurama's eyes. I crossed my arms over my knees and buried my face in-between them.

* * *

I might have been there for hours, maybe days; perhaps centuries I'd spent in that wood, waiting for Hiei to appear. Waiting for what I knew would never happen, not again. Not if he was gone into the Makai, not if he was out of reach. If I wasn't given a chance to explain, if he never knew the truth, then I wouldn't expect to see him reflected in my window pane another night. I laid on my back, staring blankly at the sky that peeked through the branches of the forest. Everything began to sharpen and blur in and out of focus until my head was spinning.  
"Hiei," I whispered, laying an arm over my eyes and squeezing them tightly shut. Tears still trickled from them, but they came slowly now and without purpose. I'd shed all the blood my heart could beat, everything rich and flowing inside of me was gone, shrivled, had dried up in the winter of my sorrow. I knew that I couldn't give up, not until I knew for sure that Hiei was gone. I couldn't lay here until the earth beneath me fell away and I dropped into the fires of hell. I couldn't waste here. I needed to think, and such was impossible surrounded by the dying summer of my pain. Drying my eyes, I stood and began to walk, aimlessly. I could feel the water in the air as I approached a small pond that was shaded by weeping willows. The pure water cleared my mind. I thought I'd go for a swim; cool myself off. Then continue my search for my love. I just prayed he'd not gone for good. Sometimes he would disappear into the Spirit World for months at a time. He would struggle back to me, wounded or angry, or both, and I would care for him and shelter him until his strength and attitude was restored, and he would then flit away, and leave me all alone again. I shoved my hands deeply in my pockets and bent my head against the fierce wind. I could smell the storm brewing. I didn't care; I would not give up my search. I broke from the woods and the sun scattered over my face. I looked up and could see treacherous clouds beginning to sneak towards the fiery star. I stepped to the very bank of the pond and yanked off my shirt and pants and stared for several moments into the deep, dark water. Then I dove in with hardly a splash.

* * *

I looked up from my arms when I heard a rustle from across the lake. I stared in disbelief as Kurama undressed, and stood, basked in the gray sunlight, his beautiful skin reflecting the rays. Then he was gone, disappearing under the surface, as was I, running into the depths of the threatening woodland.


	4. Alone Again

Chapter Four--Alone Again

By nightfall, I had still not found Hiei, and I had searched every inch of the city. I stumbled home, barely noticing the rain as it slipped under my skin. My hair was plastered to my cheeks, and I walked blindly, the rain no match for my tears. How could a small misunderstanding destroy me so, destroy us both? I'd had no means of explaining, no chance of saving what was lost. And now everything was gone and dead and gray.

I stopped beneath the blinding halo of a streetlamp, the rain quite visible on my skin like drops of gold. I went to my knees, not in angst or anger but in utter hopelessness. I could not live without love, I couldn't survive without Hiei. It was already harder to breathe, the farther he went from me. As our hearts broke apart, I felt a hollowness inside me, and knew there was nothing there but the jagged remains of my happiness in a pile at the bottom of my stomach.

'I could lay here and die,' I thought silently, staring blankly at the sky. It was not a dramatic exclaimation, it was a simple fact. I could curl up in this very spot and die of a broken heart. It had seemed like a myth before, such death, but now I knew, it was a pain more real than any physical ailment, any cut or bruise or scrape.

A scream tore from my chest that was not human, it was not real or true to any ningen world. It shattered the sky around me until all that remained was the black of an empty universe.

* * *

I saw him fall, heard his scream. I screamed with him silently because I knew I was the cause of this pain and only me, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I knew that once you severed those ties that bind two hearts, they cannot be repaired. I leapt from my tree and ran to him, all pride, all anger gone. I knew in my heart that what I had seen was not as it had appeared. Just as I'd known he loved me without hearing the words, I knew that he would never betray my trust. I knew so many things too late.

With all of my strength I lifted him, carrying him the several yards to his house. Opening the door as quietly as possible, so as not to wake his mother, I kneed it shut behind me and hurried to his room. I laid him on the bed, and his wet hair spread out around his beautiful face. I brushed my lips against his forehead softly, only a whisper of an embrace, and then backed away.

I couldn't stay here, I couldn't bear to know I had caused him such pain, only from jumping to conclusions. I had hurt him, and I would only do so once more--in leaving. It took every ounce of strength to walk to the window, and still I could not force myself to open it. My heart had taken the last of my energy in breaking. I pressed my cheek to the cool pane and shut my eyes, begging myself to leave him. I had to save him and in doing so, I had to let him go. No good could come of loving, I knew, and I knew as well that loving me would kill him in the end.

"Hiei," I heard him whisper. I went still and clenched my jaw. I focused every ounce of me on wiping my face clean of emotion, and numbing myself in order to escape and save us both.

"If you keep falling down in the street, someone is bound to run you over, fox," I said bitingly. "And what good would that be for any of us?" I turned to him and he was staring at the ceiling.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" His voice was as empty as my eyes, and I felt my heart sink. He stood, stumbled a little over the weakness of fainting, and then met my gaze. "Then go." The ice in his voice froze me. He went to leave the room, and looked over his shoulder. "She was nothing, and you were everything, and if you don't know that then I'm wasting my time." With that he was gone, and I was in the floor trembling.

* * *

I barely made it to the bathroom before collapsing. I locked the door behind me and sliding down to the floor, I leaned against it, pulling my knees up to my chest. I wanted to break things, yell and scream and curse, but I was silent. I'd gone dead inside at the sound of his voice. The way he'd turned off all emotion, like the flip of a switch, so easily. How could I mean anything to him if he could shut me out like that, how could anything between us truly exist?

Nothing had, of course. It was the only answer. I closed my eyes and hung my head. The pain of before was gone, replaced with a stony resolve, a simple knowledge that I could never love again. I couldn't love him, I couldn't love anyone. Not if this was the result of such.

I laid down on the cold linoleum, shutting my eyes tightly to block out the world. For the first time since I'd met Hiei, I felt alone, forgotten, forsaken. I was on my own, I knew, and no one could save me.

This chapter was short, I know, but the next chapter will be quite long, promises.

3 Tay 


	5. Dreaming of You

AN: Hey, this story has gotten really depressing and angst-y, so to lighten things up a bit, here's a dream sequence of Kurama's. It's not very concrete; it's more of an abstract experience to portray the intensity of feeling rather than the solidity of reality.

Chapter Five: Dreaming of You

_The world is hazy here. You're everything, you're sunlight and rain, and you're on me. You're inside of me. We beat as one, together, our hearts entwined._

_Your fingers on my skin, I swear I'll never love another. You're so little and so perfect in my arms. The curtains blow in the breeze from the window, sweeping over our palette on the hardwood floor. This open room stretches on forever, and I am suffocating on the air. It's thick with whispers and promises. _

_You'll never leave._

_I know now. _

_But can you blame me for my fear, fire child? Forgive me for expecting you to burn us both to ash. _

_You've fallen asleep in my arms and I watch your chest rise and fall steadily, your face candid. Your eyelashes lay across your cheeks like butterflies, soft and sleeping. I could lay here forever and never let you go, if you promised to always stay._

_You're awake now and we're running, and I'm barefoot. The forest smells green all around us. You laugh and I tease, and there is no hostility, no fear or anger here. _

_Now we're underwater and next we're flying. I can't keep you still but I have kept you with me. And I know, quietly, that much time has passed and there is no doubt that we have overcome our trepidation. _

_It's raining and the sky is gray but the world is warm and you're in my arms. I have a sense of home, as though I'd been searching forever for this very spot. Water drops cling to your eyelashes as you look up at me through your bangs. We share a kiss that shakes me, and I tighten my grip on you. I can feel us falling, and I'm not afraid because I know wherever I land, I'll be with you._

I awoke to the sounds of a silent house. I was stiff from sleeping on the hard tile floor of the bathroom, and I let out a groan as I shifted onto my side. Standing slowly, I stretched and glanced at myself in the mirror. Dark circles had formed under my eyes from the constant emotional strain of the past few days. I'd never been so high up and so far down in such a short period of time. I was exhausted. I leaned against the counter and ran my hands through my hair.

I'd begun to wonder if it was worth it; the moment of pleasure for the hours of pain. Would it continue like this forever? Would this be the basis of our entire relationship, on again-off again until its redundancy had become common and expected. There was the possibility that he was toying with me, yanking me back and forth to estimate just how much power he had over me. I'd given him too much.

I felt my heart sinking slowly. I turned from the mirror and left the bathroom, still rigid from sleeping on the floor.

Walking into my bedroom, I saw that it was morning, and that the window had been left open. My curtains blew in the gentle breeze and I was reminded of my dream. With a deep breath I walked to my window, closing it quietly. Then, for the first time I could remember, I locked it.


	6. Here Without You

Chapter Six: Here without You

It had been weeks and the memory of Hiei still stuck in my mind prominently. I had, however, become an expert at pushing the thoughts back, putting them off all day until finally they bombarded me as I lay in my bed at night, staring at the ceiling. I did not sleep, and if I did, my dreams were haunted by him. I was vaguely aware that my grades were slipping, and that I'd been losing weight. My mother was constantly nagging me to eat and everyone once and again I would, to please her, and earn a moment or two of piece. My concern for my own well-being had faded away, and while I did not want to die, I could not truly live without him. And so I'd come to subsist in a sort of half existence. I got out of bed each morning, dressed and attended school. I came home and sat at the dinner table with my mother while she ate and I poked at the dish before me with my fork.

I had lost my appetite, and my spirit was growing gray. I could feel it wilting and dying inside of me. Then came my ever-present fear, that my soul was already dead, already gone and I was just a shell, left to wander the world until I finally fell victim to disease or plague and fell in the street, to rot.

I sat staring out my window, perched tentatively on its sill. I had stopped looking for him, had stopped expecting him to be there in the moonlight. I was not watching the world any longer, and when I stared across the night I did so emptily, lost inside my own head. I could not see the real world any longer, did not wish to. It had become cold and impersonal to me. Flowers wilted at my fingertips, trees died and leaved their mourning tears on the earth, all around me. I could not find the sky behind the clouds, could not feel the sun's warmth for its glare.

I was aware of pain as something trivial and remote, something that I'd experienced once, and that had become mundane to me. Passion and love were distant friends and bitter foes. I turned my head from sentiment. A black and white earth consumed me now, surrounded me in its stark simplicity.

* * *

I walked the cold, dark streets every night. They stretched before me like regrets and memories, and were filled with mine. I could hear his laugh, could see his eyes shining against the sleek wet asphalt. I wandered the streets of the city until finally I would find myself there, across the street from him, only a few yards away. I would lurk in shadows and watch his window, waiting. He never disappointed, he always came to that spot, like clock work. He would sit and stare, and the death in him was echoed within me. His face was gaunt and drawn, his skin dun. Even from my viewing point, I could tell his eyes had lost whatever sparkle they'd held. I knew it was because of me. I knew that I had destroyed any chance of happiness for us both. Perhaps it was selfish, perhaps my worries had had no basis, but to me they seemed justified. My logic was clear and precise in my own head.

I paced the sidewalk, my hands deep in my pockets. Every now and again I would glance up to that window. Still he sat, his eyes fixed on oblivion. I'd resisted the urge to go to him for days that could no longer be counted. Tonight was different; tonight I needed him more than I ever had. It was not a physical urge; it wasn't anything I could control. It was a pure, animalistic drive to be in his arms.

I stopped my pacing and stared at his mournful face for a long moment. Then I sat down on the cold cement of the walkway and put my head in my hands. I could not stay here and keep myself from him. I could not wander, hungry and broken, waiting for a sign that the time was right to return to him.

That time would never come, I knew. I had lost any right to ask of him his love. I had shattered our fragile bond and the damage was such that it could never be repaired.

I watched him stand and walk away from the window. Shortly after, the light went out in his bedroom. I wondered if he'd suffered the same insomnia as me, laying awake all night, too busy thinking to sleep and too afraid of what dreams may come if one were to give into the temptation.

I walked into the small stretch of lawn before his house and stood directly below his window, staring up at the pond of black glass. The tree was right beside me, and the window would be unlocked still, I was sure of it. For a moment I considered the unimaginable—waking him from his sleep, lying next to him, reliving that night...the one night when everything had been perfect; the night before I ruined the whole lot.

But these were only imaginings and as I walked away, I felt the distance between our spirits growing. Deadness floated between.

AN: _This was a short chapter, but everything has been moving quite fast and I figured I'd slow down and catch a moment in all of the hurry._


End file.
